


He Was Going To Say...

by inner_tempest



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 22:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13961703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inner_tempest/pseuds/inner_tempest
Summary: He was going to say he loved him.





	He Was Going To Say...

**Author's Note:**

> Oh Goddess, I haven't written fanfiction in so long!
> 
> This is just a short, angsty one shot that takes place after Adil confesses to stealing from D’Abberville.  
> Please be kind...I'm just getting back into the scene! XD
> 
> The Halcyon and the boys don't belong to me. I get nothing from this except fun writing.

He was going to say he loved him.

That was how it was supposed to be. In his head. It wasn’t a question…Toby was completely, inescapably in love with Adil.

“I trusted you, and I…”  
He couldn’t say it. Not now, not like this. Not when he had been hit with all this…all this information. All these blows to the chest. The feeling that the man he loved had just shoved a freezing knife into his heart, twisting it around. Stealing classified documents for D’Abberville… _betrayal._

Betrayal.

And that was why he couldn’t say it. The words that Adil had said.

_“Is that what all this was about?” Toby knew there were tears in his eyes, threatening to spill. He couldn’t let them spill._

_“No, no, Toby…Toby, I love you.”_

But Toby didn’t get that liberty. Not now.  
Toby Hamilton didn’t fall in love. Because he wasn’t allowed to love…there were laws about these things. What Adil had done to him the past few months…showing him it _wasn’t_ wrong…it was so, so right. And Toby knew he loved the other man. He wanted to shout it from the roof of the hotel…run through the halls calling it out.

He couldn’t do that. The consequences were unimaginable.

And Toby had _wanted_ to say it before. Stolen moments tangled up in bed, both men breathless from deep kisses and intense love making. Toby would just watch Adil, his lover, and he was filled with a feeling he had no name for. It was love. It was _more_ than love. Adil was his.

Or so he had thought.

 _“I trusted you, and I…”_  
Toby stopped himself before he could say it. But it hung heavy on his lips. In the air.  
_“I trusted you, and I…”_ I love you.

Did Adil know that was what was going to be coming next? He had to have some idea, right? Not that it would fix anything. In fact, it wouldn’t do anything at all. Because as far as Toby was concerned, he had already lost Adil. He had been betrayed, no matter what the circumstances.

He had to put an end to it before it went any further. Adil had done something so…so _awful_.

There was a part of Toby that wanted to forgive his lover. That _needed_ to forgive his lover. To take Adil in his arms and hold him close and promise everything was going to be alright. But he couldn’t, because things weren’t going to be alright. Not now.

So maybe it was easier if Adil didn’t hear that Toby loved him. Toby could be cruel. He could push the man he loved aside, make him feel like there was nothing there. That Adil’s actions were inexcusable. That there was no forgiveness.

But the words still hung there.  
_“I trusted you, and I…”_  
Adil had to know what was going to come next. Toby knew that he had to know. After all these months, the barman knew him better than anyone in the world. They had shared everything, from whispered secrets to beautiful intimacy that there were no words for.

This had been doomed from the beginning. Even without…the circumstances. Toby had always known that, no matter how much Adil tried to convince him otherwise. Not that there were plenty of times he didn’t believe his lover. That they could find a way to keep it going forever. There were always ways to make it work, Adil would press. He would weave ideas, clever ideas that Toby would never be able to think up on his own. And _he_ was supposed to be the clever one. Maybe it was his fear that clouded his brain. The fact of the matter was that Adil had much more to be afraid of than Toby did. Yet he was the brave one. The one who took care of the aristocrat. Was his rock.

Of _course_ Toby loved him. How the hell could he not?

The scary part was that he _still_ loved Adil…even with the revelation of everything going on.

But Toby couldn’t say it. The words got stuck. What difference did it make? He was in trouble…Adil was going to be in even _more_ trouble once everything came to light.  
Wouldn’t the least Toby could do was say _I love you_ before his lover was ripped from him forever? The barman was heading for jail. Probably the noose. Shouldn’t he know that Toby loved him too before that happened?

Know that Toby _still_ loves him.

Know that Toby will _always_ love him?

Perhaps the aristocrat was more of a coward than he had ever probably realized. Looking back, Toby should have told Adil he loved him _ages_ ago. When the feelings started. The first time he knew…it was the morning he had heard about the bomb by Paddington…worrying that Adil was gone, that Toby had lost him to the bomb falling on the shelter. The fear of losing that _beautiful_ man. The moment he knew he was in love. That his heart belonged to the other man. It always would. But he was afraid.

_“I trusted you, and I…”  
Oh God, Adil. If you only knew how much I love you._

He was going to say ‘I love you’. But he couldn’t. It would be like a mercy killing. Toby would push Adil away until there was nothing more but wispy memories. The man thought about it…how long would it take for all the memories of his barman to vanish? Not these moments here, with the pain he saw on Adil’s face…the tears in his eyes. But the good memories. The _real_ memories. The sweet kisses, the passionate kisses…the initial clumsy movement of bodies that became smooth and sensual as the two came to understand each other’s bodies. The looks Adil would give Toby. His eyes shining with love a certain mischief they shared, knowing that no one knew their secret. The _want_ when the sexual instincts came over them. The memories that Toby never wanted to lose.

How long until he lost them?

The thought that haunted Toby the most was that he would lose those memories before what he was seeing now. No matter what, Adil’s defeated face, the tears in his eyes…that look was going to haunt Toby forever. And it was his fault. All of it was his fault.

He should have told Adil he loved him when he had the chance.

 _“I trusted you, and I…”_  
The words played over and over in Toby’s head.

And as he opened the door, seeing Adil before him like that. Yes, Toby was angry. He was _furious_. Who at? Adil, D’Abberville…

_Himself._

He certainly couldn’t deny that one.

As he shut the door on the man he loved, Toby rested his forehead against the door for just a moment.  
“…and I love you, Adil,” he whispered.


End file.
